Don't You Wish

Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was A Bitch Like Me?

Of course you do. I'm so sick of guys faking like they want a nice girl. Forget nice guys finishing last - nice girls don't even get to enter the contest. Why fake it? Who are you trying to fool? If you want someone cursing you out and checking your pockets all of the time, then just say that. If you want us to be high maintenance and spend all of your money, then stop lying. Stop telling your friends and your family that you just can't find a good girl. You're not looking. You want the girl who is going to question your every move and check up on you and your friends everywhere that you go. You seek out the female who could care less about what you are interested in and forces you to drop everything that you ever cared about to become the man of her dreams. And as soon as you do, she is going to dump you... then you are going to realize that she is your soul mate and that you all should get married and live miserably ever after. Naturally, you're going to swear that it's the sex that keeps you going back for more but we all know that it's the attitude that has you whipped. I've seen it too many times for it not to be true.

I'm starting to figure out the guy/relationship issue. At first, I believed the old adage that the way to a guy's heart was through his stomach. My friend, Lena was always bragging about how her cooking kept her man coming home every night. At first, I thought she was full of shit, but I learned how to cook. Now I can whip up a meal including dessert - from scratch - in no time flat. Still no guy. Oh, they come over to eat but what Lena didn't tell me is that after they eat it's all about going back out to meet up with their boys or running to the store that's fifteen minutes away but coming back four hours later. You obviously feel that we are making all of this effort because we have so much free time on our hands. Um, no. This is a blatant attempt to prove to you that we are willing to be a wifey and create a home for you. But you seem to think that since the food is good and I have the time to put into such effort something has to be wrong with me for wanting to stay home and cook a good meal instead of going out to restaurants every night.

Well, that doesn't stop me from cooking because I love to eat but I've learned to give a guy what he really wants. The opportunity to take me out as often as possible. That way we can spend hours at the restaurant and I don't have to worry about you spending all of your time and money hanging out with the fellas. You want to spend all of your money? Go right ahead. I will make it my duty to help you with that.

My next mistake? I thought that if we liked the same things - like sports and cars - we would be building a foundation for our future. I guess I got too good for my own good because I soon realized that guys don't want you to know more about anything than they do. As if a penis makes you the smartest person in the room. I looked around and noticed that all the girls with boyfriends were the ones dragging their man to Pier One to pick out chairs and pillows or to mall to hold their bags on Sundays instead of sitting home in front of the TV with a beer watching the game. Any girl that can drink a beer and watch the game... something has to be wrong with her.

Next I thought that maybe guys really do like their space.. you know that you want to go out with the fellas and not have to check your phone every fifteen minutes. Wrong again. Apparently, this freedom somehow implies that I don't care about you. The only way that I can really show you how much I care about you is to check up on you and check your pockets for phone numbers every time you come home because you are such a good catch that every girl in the bar is giving you her number. Yep, once again the girls with the boyfriends are the ones constantly dialing their man's number because she cares so much. It's no secret that men can't be trusted but do I really have to treat you like a teenager and become your mother in order to be your girlfriend? Do you think I have no life? That I don't want to go out and enjoy myself. I want to be in a relationship with an adult. I will never fully trust you but at least let me pretend like you're trust worthy. I'll give you enough rope to hang yourself because guys are terrible liars. A few strategic questions when you get home will tell me all that I need to know.

But fellas, beware, when your girl stops stressing you about where you been and what you been doing, that's a recipe for trouble. It usually means that she's found her own trouble to get into and is no longer concerned about what you have going on. My friend Diane used to argue with her boyfriend about where he was going, who he was going with, what he was going to do when he got there, what time he was coming back. Then she just stopped. He was relieved because he thought she was finally trusting him and allowing him to be a man and go out and handle his business. Little did he know, she was out handling her business - with someone else. She wasn't asking him all of those questions because she didn't want him asking her the same questions. She wasn't calling all of the time because she was spending that time with someone who wanted to be with her instead of with his boys.

The last straw in my figuring was thinking that a guy actually wants a partner. Boy was I wrong! Again! Guys don't want partners. You want a boss. Someone to give you orders to follow and lay into you when you make a mistake. See in my disillusion I thought that a relationship was about making decisions together and talking about things. What was wrong with me? Every time I ask a guy for his opinion about something important in my life (not that it would sway my decision one way or the other), I get the same dumb answers - Whatever you want to do or I don't know. Well, duh!! Of course it's whatever I want to do because it's my life but as the person sharing my life wouldn't you want to be considered when the decision is being made. Not really. You would rather complain when the decision is made without you that I don't care about your opinion and that I'm just too independent. But that makes you happy because you saved yourself from having to listen to the situation and put some thought into an actual solution. It works for me because I like being the boss.

Just don't think I'm going to be one of those girls that lets you pretend to be in control because you have to pay to play. If you can't put in the time then don't think you are going to take the credit. Don't try to play me in front of your boys as if you're doing so much when I'm making sure that your business is in order. Before you met me, you couldn't get a popsicle on credit. Now that I'm paying your bills - with your money, of course - you can actually go to the dealership and get a car in your name and your cell phone doesn't have to be in your mama's name anymore. Don't get it twisted though because while I was getting all of your business in order, I was also setting all of your passwords and creating all of your secret questions. Some of that you may not understand what it means in the grand scheme of things but it would seem that you would want to become a little more involved in our affairs. Trust me, I like being in charge and I have no problem taking charge but you better be on your p's and q's cause it can turn into a really bad look for you.

So what conclusion did I come to from studying the dating mentality of guys - besides a guy will say any and every thing to get into my panties? I figured out what a guy really wants. He wants a younger version of his mother. Someone to treat him like he's still in high school and make all of his life decisions for him, make sure he makes it home by curfew, checks up on him to make sure he's not out making any stupid mistakes and drag him everywhere I go to further make sure he's not making any stupid mistakes. Guys realize that they can't be trusted and that happiness can only truly exist on a very very short leash.

I've managed to make a few compromises.
I don't feel bad when I make dinner and don't make enough for you. Oh well. Let's go out and get something for you to eat and I will have a couple of drinks while we're there.
And yes, I love football but don't expect me to sit around with you and your friends watching the game. I would rather go to bar with my girls and talk about how good the guys look and which ones could get it and enjoy the free drinks from the guys in the bar that can appreciate females interested in sports. And when I'm done, I will come back and let you take me shopping and you can wave good-bye to your friends like a sad little puppy when I drag you away from all of the fun.
But you won't have to worry about me calling and checking up on you because either I will be out with my friends having too much fun to care what you're doing or you're going to be with me. That way if some chick is trying to give you her number, I can check her - in person.
If you find someone else willing to deal with you and all of your issues then I will pack you up and send you to her... express mail. Just don't expect me to write those passwords and secret questions on a postcard.
I'm not concerned because you will find yourself wishing your new girl was a bitch like me because that's what really makes you happy.