i AM enough

Tough times don't last always I told myself through a haze of tears. This is the last time I am giving my heart away. For what I thought. What do I ever get in return aside from tear stained sheets and another notch on my belt. God knows I'm not that sex crazed that I can't do without.

What is it about me that craves male companionship? I am enough. That's what Oprah and her psychologist lady tell me everyday. They say that the reason I keep making bad decisions is because somewhere in my childhood I was told or heard from somebody, or something like that, that I wasn't enough. I have an idea where that thought could have come from but I thought I was past all of that. I thought I had moved on. Wasn't just acknowledging it the first step. How many stairs do I have to climb? I must have been watching Judge Judy when Oprah and 'em starting talking about that part because I sure missed it.

I am enough. Well, why am I still crying like a baby? Why can't I just let go? Oh, if I had a nickel for every time someone told me how cold hearted and icy and difficult to get close to I was; let's just I would be shopping my pain away.

Well, if you don't like it, keep it moving and lose my number. I ain't ready to get all thawed out and turn my heart to mush so you can stomp on it even harder. If it hurts this bad being frozen… damn, I can't even imagine… I'm not even going to think about that.

I deserve to be loved because of who I am, not in spite of who I am. I don't need anybody pointing out all of my flaws. My name is not Jesus the Christ. I was not sent here to save mankind from their sins. I pray for forgiveness every night because I know that I mess up. I try my hardest. Maybe I am just inherently bad.

Whatever, there is nothing wrong with me that isn't wrong with everyone else. I have my moments, but who doesn't? And who doesn't deserve to be loved in spite of those moments? Did he think he was so perfect? Just because I didn't keep a list or run shouting from the roof tops every time he did something wrong, that does not mean he was perfect. It just meant I loved the crazy in him as much as the sane. Who's going to love my crazy? It's not that bad. I don't beat 'em, don't cuss 'em, don't really cheat on 'em… I just can't open up all quick and sappy like.

Yep, heard this story before. Probably typed it in my head a couple of times. This is just the first time I can sit and look at the words and ponder what's really going on. Was he right? Do I need to change? On the one hand, I say yes but then I think this is just a control mechanism designed to lull me into submission. I am not that chick. I am feisty. I speak my mind. I like control. I know what I want, and I go for it. I am enough. I don't need to change. Change my number maybe. Not even that. I am who I am; my number is what it is. We are here to stay.

Who says I am not enough? Who says I don't deserve love? Tell it to my face. You come right here and tell it to my face. Because I deserve to be loved because of who I am, not in spite of who I am. I will not settle for less because I am enough.